This post is a long time in the making, clearly.
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Bear with me here because it might start to sound a little corny...
Lately, there's been some sort of darkness that has over powered the light.
(HP friends, can you feel me?)
This is so simple, yet so unbelievable frustrating.
I found myself feeling really low, like really low. I felt like I looked gross, felt fat, and ugly. I felt like I was overwhelmed and that I was a subpar mother. Over the course of the last 11 months I had gotten really good and putting those feelings aside and realizing that I'm pretty awesome and have done a lot of great things... but over this past month not so much. Like I said above, there was this overpowering darkness that I could not navigate out of. I'm not going to say that I was depressed because I know that's actually something very serious and I'm not going to casually toss that word out to describe how I feel.
Another way to put it was that I was stuck in the bottom of this huge hole and I couldn't figure out how I would ever get out. And every time I tried, it just felt deeper and darker. Not a good way to be. It ends in most nights crying.
How am I supposed to get out of a hole that gets deeper every time I try to climb?
Well, I think I figured a strategy out.
Today, I received a text from a mentor and friend, "can I call you tonight for about 20 mins?". Almost reluctantly I said yes, of course. We decided on a time which of course was slightly delayed by a tantrum that William was throwing.
But I digress.
I talked with my friend for that 20 minutes and she reminded me that all I had to do was ask. Ask for some advice, ask for guidance, and ask for mentorship. And that's when it dawned on me, I have people in my life that care for me and will put a ladder in the hole I've dug myself into and help me climb out. Sometimes you need someone to just shock your system by being kind and reassuring.
I'm forever grateful for that phone call I received tonight.
One of things she asked me to do was write down the things that are making me unhappy, stressed, and sad. I'm not going to do that exactly on this blog because some of them are personal and I'm not in a place where I want to share everything about my feelings on the internet. Although, I am sharing a pretty big part right now ;)
I'm going to talk about one in particular though. Just about 6 months ago now I got a job at a mortgage company. Now, it's not glamorous but it's job and (most days) I enjoy what I have to do. The one issue is, it's not is creative.
In reality though, when it comes to mortgages how creative can you get?
My personality craves creativity and I haven't been allowing myself an outlet for it, anywhere. I'm a left brain working in a right brained position. I'll survive the job, trust me, but I need to give myself an outlet.
I wrote an entire post about how much I love make up and in the past three weeks, I've probably done my make up twice - so no creativity in that regard. My wardrobe has consisted of black, greys, and muted tones. Nothing overly colorful or playing up my personality. Which isn't a huge deal but I'm just pointing out another aspect in which I've put no effort into being creative or expressive.
(cube farm life tho, am i right?)
I'm going to challenge myself to allow time for some creativity. It could be playing saxophone, taking time to do a craft or DIY project, giving myself extra time to play with make up, or write a blog (or even something else!). Why not? It's just supposed to be a release for me and my eyes. If I decide to share it, then I'll share it and hope others can enjoy it for what it is.
I'm taking this baby step as a journey to a happier woman over all.
I've got some work to do as I did dig my self pretty deep into a very, very dark hole.
But with help of my family and friends I know I'll get out one step at a time. :)
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I wanted to add this side note: To anyone that suffers from depression and has had thoughts of harming your self please call this number:
1-800-273-8255
