Shake it off

Okay friends... Time to get personal.

As per usual, it's been awhile since my last post.  Since that post, I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure myself out.  It's not easy because I am so emotionally driven which is usually hard to decipher.  Over the past few weeks there have been some huge changes in my life and huge changes are still coming.  The biggest lesson I'm learning is that I don't need someone to put me back together every time I fall apart.  I am not saying that the support of friends isn't absolutely welcomed because trust me, those of you who have been constantly checking on me will never know how much it means to me because there is no way I can put it into words.  What am I saying is that, I can pick myself up out of bed and get myself out the door because I have to.  I have a life to live and a son to mother.  I don't have the time to sit in wallow although it is nice to leave a little time for that sometimes.  ;)

Now, I do feel like it'd be immature to completely explain the extensive details of the changes in my personal life but I do want to touch on a few things.  And, I want to add that this relationship wasn't exclusively ended by one person.  It's been a few weeks in the making of a break up and the straw finally snapped.

Breaking up with someone is not easy.  It is not as simple as just not talking to them anymore, especially when there is a child involved.  But the hardest thing of all is facebook.  The absolute dread of changing the relationship status from "engaged" to "single".  The sea of questions that could follow, the large amount of messages and texts by intrigued friends... I might be over reacting a little, but during the heat of it all, I deactivated my account and I think that has actually made this easier.  Without the temptation to look at someone's page or feel like a post needs to be censored so that the family isn't hurt - is just too much for someone like me who spends hours over analyzing and creating unrealistic scenarios.

Canceling a wedding is easy.  The part that isn't easy is having to tell people (extended family) that you are no longer getting married.  I did my best to tell people but eventually I just shut down.  I just didn't speak about it and decided that they will figure it out when they don't receive an invitation.  William shares a last name with his dad so when at the pharmacy and they call me Mrs. Douglass it just sends this stab of ice through my heart.

The reason that we ended the engagement/relationship is valid and that should be enough for people.  For those that don't actually know the details, I have no time or no patience to hear the reasons why we should stay together.  Absolutely zero.  So please don't even try because I will most likely get an attitude with you.

Overall, I'm grateful for the relationship that I had because it gave me the most amazing gift I could ever receive, William.  Part of the whole self discovery thing is to not hold to hate for anyone and forgive.  I absolutely forgive, but that in no way means I want what we had back.

I spent so many times justifying our relationship by saying, "it's not that simple to just leave someone".  I've heard people say this over and over again about their significant other and it's not easy.  It's a huge decisions to drop all the time you've spent investing in another person.  But you know what, it does get easier.  I promise you it gets easier.  This amazing thing happens when it starts to get easier, you start caring about yourself.  I've finally started caring about ME more than someone else.  (Excluding William because he always comes first)

Yes, I said I starting caring about "ME" more.  I refuse to believe that self-care is selfish.  Or if it is, so what?  I've been ignoring my needs and letting myself get to a point where I was depressed and hating life.  How would William view what a relationship was supposed to be like if I stayed in one where I was so unhappy?  What kind of example would that set for William watching his parents disrespect each other constantly?  I rather my son watch his mother grow up loving herself and making sure that she's taking care of herself not only physically but mentally too.

An unhealthy relationship should not be a punishment for two people who have a child together.

I'm learning to leave toxic relationships behind.  I refuse to be in a relationship where I feel disrespected or where I can't respect the other person.  It's a dangerous path that only leads to pain and heartbreak.  Yesterday was the first day in a LONG time where I just laughed for no reason and I was happy.  I don't know what is was exactly but I felt better than I have in a long time and I refuse to go back to how I felt before.  I've spent so long in that dark hole and I feel like I'm truly climbing out now.